Pecos Monastery
Monastic Notes (Pt.24) July 16th 2011
August 11, 2011 | 
Author [11AUGUST2011]
Monastic Notes (Pt.24—July 16th 2011)
(Continuing to share my experiences at the Pecos Monastery: writings from my journal; June 19th – July 17th 2011…)
(Pecos: Day 27—July 16th 2011)
Today begins the last day at the monastery; tomorrow I will leave. I don’t really know what I’m feeling at the moment…somewhat emotionless although I miss my family terribly. I’m ready to go home, but I have mixed emotions about leaving this community. There are aspects of the monastery that I’ve come to love and cherish and I know it will be difficult to find them elsewhere. I’m also nervous about the “next steps” in my life. I’ve had some semblance of knowledge about things that are looming on the horizon for most of the time in my life…I can’t say that I have this same sense of knowledge at this juncture. I think this is faith, to proceed with trust and confidence that God is leading. I do have a short list of things I feel God has instructed me to pursue upon my return. I feel as though I have a new understanding of the Apostle Paul’s statement about how “we see through the mirror dimly” (1 Corinthians 13:12). I don’t have a complete blueprint for tomorrow’s journey, but I have daily direction from my God who will take me there.
I believe and trust that the Lord has given me what I need to work with. I can trust all that He is; God has been faithful and good to me. I’m sure that taking the steps He is giving me will lead exactly where we are supposed to be. I feel ready and I can only assume in confidence that the places and players on the other side are ready too.
O LORD, come to my assistance; O LORD, make haste to help me.
Hear my prayer, O GOD; do not hide yourself from my petition. Listen to me and answer me; I have no peace because of my cares…I will call upon the LORD< and the LORD will deliver me. He will bring me safely back from the battle waged against me… Cast your burden upon the LORD, and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous stumble. (Psalm 55:1-2, 17, 19, 24).
Commencement and commissioning mass is now complete, and I feel as though I have succeeded in completing the primary list of things I hoped to accomplish during my stay at the monastery. I look forward to the coming year with curiosity and holy anticipation, truly expectant of the great things God will do in our lives and ministry. Our follow up session at the monastery will take place in August of next year. We have not been given a formal “between session” practicum or assignment. In light of this, I have designed and prescribed my own continuing development plan and have given an outline to the SSD administrators. This will ensure my own accountability and help me to mature as a spiritual director.
Posted in Benedictine Spirituality, Daily Meds, Meditations, Pecos Monastery, Prayer, Psalms, Shaping Me, Spiritual Formation, Spirituality | 
Tags: Benedictine Spirituality, disciple, Jesus, Pecos Monastery, School for Spiritual Direction, Spiritual Direction, Spiritual Disciplines, Spiritual Formation | 
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Monastic Notes (Pt.23) July 15th 2011
[10AUGUST2011]
Monastic Notes (Pt.23—July 15th 2011)
(Continuing to share my experiences at the Pecos Monastery: writings from my journal; June 19th – July 17th 2011…)
(Pecos: Day 26—July 15th 2011)
Our lectures are complete. It is hard to believe that four weeks have passed so quickly, but it also seems that I have gained so much more than a month of teaching and training. I am overflowing and cannot wait for God to “pour me out. We are scheduled for a special “Healing of the Family Tree” Mass this afternoon and I look forward to that time.
I sat with a friend during lunch today who shared with me that she “saw me in a vision with the oil of anointing running down my head and beard…” She gave me Psalm 133 to read.
1 Oh how good and pleasant it is, when the brethren live together in unity. 2 It is like fine oil upon the head that runs down upon the beard, 3 upon the beard of Aaron, and runs down upon the collar of his robe. 4 It is like the dew of Hermon that falls upon the Hills of Zion. 5 For there the LORD has ordained the blessing: life evermore. (Psalm 133:1-5)
Amen. And, Thank you, Sylvia. 
Personal Reflections and Recollections:
“O LORD, come to my assistance; O LORD, make haste to help me.”
This is my prayer and this is truly the cry of my heart. It seems one thing I have learned through the years; the closer I have grown in relationship with my God, the more I am reliant upon His sustaining grace and guidance. I want only to be His servant and to respond obediently and submissively to the draw I have sensed to the deeper life spent in unbroken fellowship with His Presence. I don’t know what the future brings and acknowledge my feelings of helplessness with regard to how it may unfold. I honestly believe the past half-dozen years of Laurie and my life have been spent preparing for the next chapter of our lives, but I’m not sure where or what that chapter is. I look at our history and experience and see two people who are qualified and gifted to serve in a number of ministry positions. It is really hard to predict or project where we will land. Oh, I know if given a blank canvas that we could present a wonderful plan we would delight in pouring ourselves into, but that is not the path we have decided to pursue. We have agreed to seek where God would delight most in having us serve Him and His people. This is not an easy pursuit; our prayer is that He would protect us from making choices that would cause us to deviate from His best assignment…whatever and wherever that may be. For the moment, I know that God has given me a few “next steps” and this is the step of faith He tests me with now. Therefore, my faithfulness in pursuing these next steps and my completing them to the best of my ability will be my primary concern. Moment by moment…and daily obedience spent in His Presence is the prayer of my faith becoming manifest in my life. I know that living this out today is the key to tasks of tomorrow.
Thank You, O LORD, for your faithfulness to hear your servant and to speak to your servant. I am determined, by Your empowering grace, to praise You and worship You with my whole life. Amen.
A Prayer of Psalms—
I waited patiently upon the LORD; He stooped to me and heard my cry. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; many shall see, and stand in awe, and put their trust in the LORD. Great things are they that you have done, O LORD my God! How great your wonders and plans for us! There is none who can be compared with you. Oh that I could make them known and tell them! But they are more than I can count. In sacrifice and offering you take no pleasure (you have given me ears to hear you). In the roll of the book it is written concerning me; “I love to do your will, O my God: your law is deep in my heart.” Be please, O LORD, to deliver me; O LORD, make hast to help me (Psalm 40:1, 3, 5-7, 9, 14).
“O LORD, come to my assistance; O LORD, make haste to help me.”
Monastic Notes (Pt.22) July 14th 2011
[09AUGUST2011]
Monastic Notes (Pt.22—July 14th 2011)
(Continuing to share my experiences at the Pecos Monastery: writings from my journal; June 19th – July 17th 2011…)
(Pecos: Day 25—July 14th 2011)
Lectures:
Today our lectures (actually lecture) came from Fr. Sam Davies. I mentioned him the other day in my journal when I had a couple of my belongings “blessed” by him. The topic of his talk today was “Healing the Family Tree,” but it was not what I expected from the title. I don’t know if it was just me or if everyone was latching on to the central theme of “healing” coming from forgiveness, but this is what I heard in a major way. The notes I took were not verbatim, but more of an interpretation of what I heard coming from Father Sam. The heading and notes in my journal are outlined as follows:
Forgiveness—Forgiveness—Forgiveness
- Jesus is the source of all healing and all healing begins with forgiveness
- God’s Kingdom is a matter of forgiveness (Matthew 18:21-35)
- The prayer that Jesus taught his disciples (Our Father) includes indefinite and infinite forgiveness
- Jesus insists on forgiveness. He is fully experienced in His forgiveness extended to us by His death on the cross
- The verdict we pass to others, we pass to ourselves. If we pass unforgiveness, we will be not be forgiven. Likewise, if we pass forgiveness, we will be forgiven.
- Unforgiveness unleashes torture on us and others (fear, loathing, anxiety, depression, self-hatred, etc.)
- Forgiveness is divine, because it is first a work of God toward us and second, it is a work of God through us
- Forgiveness comes through the ministry of the Holy Spirit
- Forgiveness cannot be defined (or redefined) to mean a lack of hostility. Forgiveness embraces, reconciles, restores, and re-establishes love. It is truly loving mercy and cannot be redefined as anything less
- True mercy has no strings attached…mercy with strings is not mercy at all
- Confession is a non-negotiable if you want to get rid of the “soul trash” we are so want to accumulate
Father Sam’s lecture included much more than the above mentioned points, but these wonderful points on healing through forgiveness were the binding elements of the entire talk. A few more quotes from Fr. Sam that I found really insightful follow:
“If you are not aware God has done something, He may not have…”
“Lord, help me to love immensely and intensely.”
“What is impossible can become HIM-possible…”
Father Samuel Davies
Personal Reflections and Recollections:
My Bible reading this morning had me studying the Book of 1 Samuel 28:3-20 (Saul summons Samuel through the Witch of Endor—check it from Biblegateway here). My thoughts follow:
This passage starts off with all kinds of wrong. It begins by telling us that Saul had expelled the mediums and wizards in the land, but as soon as he asks his servants to help him find one (medium or wizard) they know the exact address and location of a witch??? Seriously? Can we talk about fidelity and trust for a moment? Here are some people who are the closest to Saul in all the kingdom. They know he was trying to rid the kingdom of sorcery and those practicing it, but they know there are still mediums and wizards who remain and seemingly under protection.
The actions of Saul reveal his “fickleness” and double-mindedness when it comes to his relationship with God. Better said, I believe it reveals the true heart of Saul.
We can only assume, from Scripture, but it seems that the character of God is to welcome true repentance and sincerity of heart (an example is the repentance of Manasseh, the most evil king of all Israel 2 Chronicles 33:1-20). So, if Saul’s heart had been pure with full desire to trust God, perhaps God may have relented…we don’t know the answer to this, but we do know as soon as “impatient” Saul doesn’t “hear” from God—he forges ahead taking matters into his own hands and enacting his plan pursuing “what seems right” to him. This attitude was the reason the kingdom was stripped from him in the first place and it seems that Saul never learns the lesson nor turns (repents) to another way. Sad. How many of us fall into these same destructive habits?
“…So Saul disguised himself.” I think so much could be said about this, I don’t even know where to begin. We (humanity) do this, disguising ourselves, in our sin and we do it in our “partially committed” relationships with God. Only in completely “naked and unashamed” relationships are we free to not disguise ourselves… we are, after all, “naked” then and need no covering or “disguise.”
So Saul exalts himself above God by granting impunity to the witch of Endor—”no harm will come to you for participating in sorcery.” How can he say this? Only if he assumes authority over the person and precepts of God can he make such a promise to the sorceress.
The evidence of how far Saul misses the mark in his understanding and fear of God is shown in his actions and confession to Samuel. He says; “God isn’t talking to me anymore…” Samuel responds; “So, why do you ask me?” Samuel then goes on to explain to Saul that his own stubborn disobedience (which he continues to reveal) is the reason for God’s silence. The greatest tragedy of this entire narrative is that Saul never ever truly repents or has a real change of heart.
A concluding thought about Saul, Repentance, and “us”…
Repentance is not an intellectual decision. Repentance begins or is birthed in the heart. Repentance moves from the heart and wills the intellect to action. The heart moves the will to action and the result are fruits of repentance being exhibited in the life of the repentant soul.
Repentance that comes from the intellect will not turn the heart; therefore, intellectual repentance is not repentance at all. This type of “false” repentance results in hardness of heart and deluded conscience. It reveals the lack of surrender of self. This is most obvious in times of crisis when the self reverts to “survival mode” exhibiting the most primal attitudes in exhibitions of “survival of the fittest” and “fight or flight” behaviors.
Repentance is the ultimate act of surrender to the Person and will of God.
Monastic Notes (Pt.21) July 13th 2011
[08AUGUST2011]
Monastic Notes (Pt.21—July 13th 2011)
(Continuing to share my experiences at the Pecos Monastery: writings from my journal; June 19th – July 17th 2011…)
(Pecos: Day 24—July 13th 2011)
Lectures:
A second great day of lectures with Fr. Meninger today with continued conversation in the Stages of Spiritual Development. We picked up where we left off yesterday after talking about the progressions and levels of a relationship. Today we discussed the “Levels of Love” described by St. William of Thiery.
- Attraction—given to men by God; God gives men desire for Himself; it is a grace and it is gifted.
- Clinging—a deeper level of love; we “cling” to God through distractions, disturbances, etc. (I especially loved the example used for this level by Fr. Meninger when he was questioned about disturbances and distractions drawing us closer to God. He described the way a child, who is in the arms of a parent, tightens their grip when someone tries to pull them from the arms of the parent).
- Enjoyment—”faith with feeling,” aka ecstasies; a type of joy experienced even in pleasure or pain.
- Union of Wills—the highest level/experience of love; when we cannot love any more, but to only experience the will or do the will of the other (in this case, God).
One concept that is unique to the Christian experience is the way God communicates with and reveals Himself to humanity; He communicates Himself primarily through the virtues of faith, hope, and love. The experience of relationship with God is made available through these virtues and proves the ultimate goal, union with God, both possible and worth pursuing.
Personal Reflections and Recollections:
I’ve been reading a book by Ronald Rolheiser, The Restless Heart, one I’ve really enjoyed. There are great thoughts in it that help to shed light on the restlessness of our souls and why it exists. Additionally, I have gleaned inspiration from the book to develop a retreat program that is centered around this “restless and lonely” heart dilemma. A quote from the book triggered the following thoughts:
“The pain of stopping our pursuit of activity and entering alone and in silence to ourselves is the very experience of purgatory.” -Ronald Rolheiser; The Restless Heart
It is in this silence that God begins to reveal the false self(s) we have created for ourselves or the false self(s) we have been given and attempted to “live into.” It is in this silence that God reveals to us the places which need healing, surrendered, and matured… In all these revelations there is deep and difficult work; there is necessity for discipline and commitment. With this realization there is understanding for the fear that rises up in us when we approach or enter into this holy silence, but there is also infinite and divine hope; for it is God that draws us into this silence and it is God that embraces us in it. It is in this silence that the Master Creator-Healer-Restorer gently and lovingly restores His prized and cherished child—you and me. Trust and surrender to Him moves us ever closer to the ultimate fulfillment every human being desires, the rest and restored fellowship…eternal fellowship, with God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit—eternal reconciliation with our Triune Creator.
A Prayer of Psalms—
I call with my whole heart; answer me, O LORD, that I may keep your statutes. Hosanna, LORD, hosanna! LORD, send us now success. For He Himself knows whereof we are made; He remembers that we are but dust. Remember your word to your servant, because you have given me hope. This is my comfort in my trouble, that your promise gives me life. I remember your Name in the night, O LORD, and dwell upon your law. You only are my portion, O LORD, I have promised to keep your words. I have considered my ways and turned my feet toward your decrees. Teach me discernment and knowledge, for I have believed in your commandments. Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep your word. The law of your mouth is dearer to me than thousands in gold and silver. Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be; world without end. Amen. (Psalm 119:45; Psalm 118:25; Psalm 103:14; Psalm 119:49-50, 55, 57, 59, 66, 67, 72).
Monastic Notes (Pt.20) July 12th 2011
[07AUGUST2011]
Monastic Notes (Pt.20—July 12th 2011)
(Continuing to share my experiences at the Pecos Monastery: writings from my journal; June 19th – July 17th 2011…)
(Pecos: Day 23—July 12th 2011)
Lectures:
Today’s lectures were fabulous! I cannot begin to tell how wonderfully rich the teaching today was. I can only hope that my notes were sufficient to help jar my memory to help me remember the wisdom shared with us today from Father William Meninger. Fortunately, I had the opportunity to converse with Fr. Meninger after our lectures and discover the majority of the teaching material today can be found in two of his books (The Loving Search for God and 1012 Monastery Road), both of which I purchased.
The main subject of the lectures for today and tomorrow is on the Stages of Spiritual Development. The flow of the teaching was laser sharp and focused almost exclusively on “prayer” as the means of relationship with God. My understanding was that prayer, the engagement of and fluidity of it is the substance of all spiritual development as it relates to God. Others in the class may not have heard this…but it was my interpretation of the lecture. I’ll share my notes and you may judge for yourself.
- Every journey must have a destination point
- The destination point of the spiritual journey is God
- The end of the journey (the destination point) determines the nature of the Journey
- The end of the spiritual journey is God and it requires everything in us and of us. Likewise, this journey can only be started by invitation…
- The greatest gift God gives us is desire for Himself
- The goal of prayer is union with God
“The Journey is about our hearts finding rest in God.” -Fr. William Meninger
“Our hearts are restless until they find rest in you (God)” -St. Augustine
Fr. Meninger described the Contemplative experience (as it is understood in the Divinely supernatural sense) as follows:
- Begins with awe
- Is fueled by wonder
- Renders the seeker speechless
- The experience tastes for the first time real love (Agape)
- Real love (Agape) unites the seeker with the created and Uncreated (God)
- Real love (Agape) operating in the seeker-saint is catalyst for reconciliation and restoration of all things
- The full unifying power of Divine love flows seamlessly from God through saint-child of God to all things
We talked at length about the nature(s) of prayer (Kataphatic: according to form; via positiva and Apophatic: without form; via negativa). Kataphatic (aka Cataphatic) prayer will never bring us completely to God. It will point us to God, and is necessary for our spiritual development, but it will never bring us to Him. The prayer that points to God is not God. Prayer that uses form (words, objects, music, song, etc.) is all limited by our own intellect. You can only know God by “not knowing.” Here we discussed The Cloud of Unknowing and John of the Cross and the teaching embraced by those works that God can only be known through the release of our personal metaphors—God is infinite truth and infinite love, and this cannot be described, explained, or contained by any human description or terms. You cannot “know” God intellectually; although we use our intellect to “seek” God. What the mind cannot comprehend…the heart is capable of and will embrace. Where Kataphatic prayer falls short of being able to completely embracing God (because the intellect cannot fully comprehend), Apophatic prayer engages the will and attempts to embrace God “leaping” directly to His Presence in faith. The will does not have to comprehend God fully in order to embrace Him fully. Our intellect is drawn to truth. In as much as you can understand something, you can accept it… Our will (or heart), on the other hand, desires love—true love—God love (Agape). This is how God created us. When our will (heart) is confronted with love—even if that love is Infinite—the heart (will) can embrace it.
Fr. Meninger closed out our lecture today with (what I thought was) a beautifully explained progression of prayer as a relationship. He described it in the form of four levels and used a metaphor (John and Mary—meeting, courtship, marriage, lifetime together: found in his 1012 Monastery Road book). The four levels follow:
- Acquaintanceship—low depth; shallow; memorized prayer. The Language of Acquaintanceship is more memorized conversations like “small talk” and prayers read or recited from memory. It is important to remember we need these acquaintanceship tools! We must become acquainted before the relationship can advance.
- Friendship—intimacy develops; personal sharing. Communication begins to occur in the friendship stage and intimacy develops; feelings begin to be shared. This is where discursive meditation (rational thinking, logic processing, involves the memory intellect and will) begins.
- Affective (Affection)—physical; emotional; not a lot of words shared. Physical—Consummation stage begins; here there are not many words exchanged
- Love—contemplative. The Pinnacle of the Relationship Ladder; love (agape) is contemplative in nature. Here the participants enjoy one another’s presence in silence without expectation or need other than to bask in the presence of one another.
Personal Reflections and Recollections:
A Prayer of Psalms—
Be my strong rock, a castle to keep me safe, for You are my crag and my stronghold. My God, my rock in whom I put my trust, my shield, the horn of my salvation, and my refuge; You are worthy of my praise. Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD. Jesus said, “Have no fear little flock; for your Father has chosen to give you the Kingdom.” (Psalm 31:3; Psalm 18:2; Psalm 31:24; Luke 12:32)
Sing praises to God, sing praises; sing praises to our King, sing praises… Psalm 47:6
Lectio Divina Readings—
Acts 14:15-17 Turn from worthless things to the Living God… In past generations He allowed all the nations to follow their own ways; yet He has not left Himself without a witness… (Therefore, turn to God).
Mark 4:23-25 NLT Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand… Pay close attention to what you hear. The closer you listen, the more understanding you will be given—and you will receive even more. To those who listen to (obey) my teaching, more understanding will be given. But for those who are not listening (obeying), even what little understanding they have will be taken away from them.
Posted in Benedictine Spirituality, Daily Meds, Pecos Monastery, Prayer, Psalms, Shaping Me, Spiritual Formation, Spirituality | Tags: Apophatic Prayer, Benedictine Spirituality, Cloud of Unknowing, Fr. William Meninger, Kataphatic Prayer, Pecos Monastery, Prayer, Psalms, Spiritual Disciplines, Spiritual Formation, Spirituality, St John of the Cross | No Comments »
Monastic Notes (Pt.19) July 11th 2011
[06AUGUST2011]
Monastic Notes (Pt.19—July 11th 2011)
(Continuing to share my experiences at the Pecos Monastery: writings from my journal; June 19th – July 17th 2011…)
(Pecos: Day 22—July 11th 2011)
Personal Reflections and Recollections:
This begins the final week of the School for Spiritual Direction. In many ways it seems hard to believe it has gone so quickly, hard to believe even that three weeks has passed already. On the other hand, it seems much longer than three weeks have passed. I’m sure it will take more than a few weeks for me to fully decompress and begin to realize the fruits born from this experience.
I continue to wonder in semi-patient curiosity what God has in store for Laurie and I in the way of future ministry. I am positive it is something that will utilize the collective gifts and experience of the both of us, but I can see no clear direction for the moment. This fact alone tells me that it will be by the hand of God…where we go and what we do. I pray for this day to come without ceasing.
“O LORD, Open my lips, and my mouth shall proclaim your praise.”
“Let anyone with ears to hear listen!” “To you has been given the secret of the kingdom of God, but for those outside, everything comes in parables; in order that—’they may indeed look, but not perceive, and may indeed listen but not understand, so that they may not turn again and be forgiven.’” (Mark 4:9-12)
The Mark passage represents a terrifyingly sad commentary on the condition of the hardened human heart. I don’t believe much has changed since the time these words were written. Jesus said there would not be many who follow the narrow path…and there appears to be few also who have ears to hear.
Feast of Benedict:
Today was the Feast of Benedict. The day itself was rather laid back. We had lectures, but they consisted primarily of our going over MBTI results (MBTI: Myers-Briggs Trend Indicator). For what it’s worth, I was trended as an I N T J (Introverted-iNtuitive-Thinking-Judging). The trend more or less means that my personality style is “introverted intuition” with “extraverted thinking” or something close to that.
Our evening meal was “benedictilicious” with steak, shrimp scampi, baked potatoes, steamed asparagus, and several awesome side salads. Happy St. Benedict’s Day!
Monastic Notes (Pt.18) July 10th 2011
[05AUGUST2011]
Monastic Notes (Pt.18—July 10th 2011)
(Continuing to share my experiences at the Pecos Monastery: writings from my journal; June 19th – July 17th 2011…)
(Pecos: Day 21—July 10th 2011)
Sunday Sabbath:
Today was scheduled as day of silence and solitude or we could use the day as free time for sightseeing and field trips. I chose to spend the day cloistered in my room for prayer, Bible reading, and hearing from God. I spent most of the day and into the late afternoon reading, praying, listening… and writing out the “words” that were “speaking” to me. The following Scripture passages and prayers are what were recorded in my journal.
Hallelujah! How good it is to sing praises to our God! How pleasant it is to honor Him with praise! Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning , is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
He is not impressed by the might of a horse; He has no pleasure in the strength of a man; But the LORD has pleasure in those who fear Him, in those who await His gracious favor (Psalm 147:11-12).
Thus says the LORD: “But this is the man to whom I will look, he that is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word” (Isaiah 66:2).
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name; thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And, lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil; for thine is the kingdom, the power, the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.
Almighty God, the fountain of all wisdom, who knowest our necessities before we ask and our ignorance in asking: Have compassion, we beseech thee, upon our infirmities, and those things which for our unworthiness we dare not, and for our blindness we cannot ask, mercifully give us for the worthiness of thy Son Jesus Christ our LORD; who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.
Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in Your truth; knit my heart to You that I may fear Your Name. I will thank You, O LORD my GOD, with all my heart, and glorify Your Name for evermore. For great is Your love toward me; You have delivered me from the nethermost pit. (Psalm 86:11-13)
I give You thanks, O LORD, with all my whole heart; before the gods I sing Your praises; I bow down toward Your holy temple and give thanks for Your Name, for Your steadfast love and Your faithfulness; for You have exalted Your Name and Your word above everything. On the day I called, You answered me, You increased my strength of soul. Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You preserve me against the wrath of my enemies; You stretch out Your hand, and Your right hand delivers me. The LORD will fulfill His purpose for me; Your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever. (Psalm 138:1-3, 7, 8).
ME = Delighted and overjoyed – God knows me.
O LORD, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You discern my thoughts from far away. You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, O LORD, You know it completely. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is so high that I cannot attain it. Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your Presence? (No matter where I am or where I go it is not too far from You) Your right hand shall hold me fast; even there Your hand will lead me. In Your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed. Search me, O GOD, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139: 1-7, 10, 16, 23, 24).
Genesis 28:14, 18, 24-25 Know that I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you. (I love this…)
Romans 8:15 All who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. I consider that the sufferings of the present time are not worth comparing when I consider what awaits us. For in hope we were saved… But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it in patience. “…we wait for it in patience”
The “spiritual life” is then the perfectly balanced life in which the body with its passions and instincts, the mind with its reasoning and its obedience to principle and the spirit with its passive illumination by the light and love of God form one complete man who is in God and with God and from God and for God. One man in whom God is all in all. One man in whom God carries out His own will without obstacle. -Thomas Merton; New Seeds of Contemplation
Posted in Benedictine Spirituality, Bible Speak, Daily Meds, Meditations, Pecos Monastery, Prayer, Psalms, Shaping Me, Spiritual Formation, Spirituality | Tags: Benedictine Spirituality, Bible Speak, Pecos Monastery, Prayer, Psalms, Sabbath, Spiritual Disciplines, Spiritual Formation, Sunday | No Comments »
Monastic Notes (Pt.17) July 8-9, 2011
[04AUGUST2011]
Monastic Notes (Pt.17—July 8-9, 2011)
(Continuing to share my experiences at the Pecos Monastery: writings from my journal; June 19th – July 17th 2011…)
(Pecos: Days 19-20—July 8th-9th 2011)
Personal Reflections and Recollections:
July 8: —Today was full of great conversations… I had the opportunity to follow up with Father Paul, one of the brother monks here at Pecos Monastery, about my vision for a Church Community. He told me he “read every word“ and from the looks of the copy I gave him he had; there were highlights, underlines, and margin notes on almost every page. It was a blessing to me that he would take the time to read it in the first place, but to make time to really study and then provide me critique and insight over each page was very meaningful to me. All throughout our conversation this afternoon he continued to affirm me with “yep’s” and “you’re right’s.” I don’t think I could have come away any more encouraged than what I was at this point. Besides the affirmation and encouragement behind the overall vision for the Kairos Community he also provided me with some direction that I intend to follow up on when I return home. In all, the time with Father Paul was a great privilege and I was honored to be gifted with his time and wisdom.
Following my time with Fr. Paul, I met with my spiritual director, Ezra. He had suggested that I speak with Fr. Paul in the first place. I spent some time talking with him about my follow up visit with Fr. Paul, but spent more time discussing the significance of my experience in the previous day (see here). It was a good time of confession for me and a well received blessing to be able to pray with someone and celebrate God’s work in my life.
July 9: —For the past couple days we have been discussing the healing and nurture of the Inner Child. While I did not personally experience a deep need for “inner child” ministry, I found value in the experience and am grateful to learn a needful toolset for this type and form of ministry. I don’t think the style of teaching and this particular ministry “tool set” would appeal to a large demographic of the male gender, but there was solid reasoning behind the methodology and the material presented that will be useful to me in my future ministry I am sure. I want to be especially sensitive to being close-minded to anything that does might not specifically apply to or resonate with me.
Near the end of these Healing of the Inner Child sessions our lecturer had a special surprise for us. There was a beautifully wrapped package (present) on the table next to the lectern. She unwrapped the package in front of the class and showed us a framed mirror with an etching of an “image of Jesus” in it. After showing the mirror to the class, she carried it to each student individually stopping to share a prophetic prayer over each of us. Her word to me follows:
“Jeff, continue to walk with me in confidence and in love as you become all that I have called you to be.”
“…in confidence and in love.” These words stick out to me particularly. It means to me that faith tempered and drenched in the love of GOD (AGAPE) are the words of encouragement to me from Jesus. Faith and Love…continue to follow with those as my pillars, as I follow Jesus. This is the way to fulfill the passion within me of becoming what HE wants me to be. Continue to walk with me. ME, Jesus, in confidence…TRUST-FAITH, and in love. I will, God empowering me, by HIS Holy Spirit, I will do this. Amen. Thank You, Jesus. Thank You, Theresa. Thank You, Pecos Monastery.
This afternoon we had the opportunity to have “items” blessed by one of the priests here. Since being here I had purchased a couple reminders of my stay here at the monastery. I purchased a Medal of St. Benedict as well as a small bronze cross with the words “I Am Always With You” inscribed on it. I wanted to have these items blessed along with a set of prayer beads I had fashioned for myself before coming to Pecos, New Mexico. I gathered up my items and set out to meet with Father Sam. It was a joy to listen to Fr. Sam tell about us his journey with Jesus. He is in his “eighties” and was celebrating sixty years in profession of vows (wow…60 years of being a monk). He prayed a blessing of St. Benedict over our medals and a prayer of blessings for things of special meaning over my prayer beads meant to help my focus and meditations upon God when praying with the beads. He finished the blessing with an anointing and sprinkling of Holy Water and touching each item blessed with a Holy Relic. This relic was a special case in the shape of a cross which, when opened, revealed an ornate cross inside with a tiny splinter said to have been from the cross of our Savior, Jesus. I found this a pretty mind-blowing experience and difficult to wrap my mind around… but anyone is free to believe whatever they choose. I say I am blessed for the opportunity of a lifetime to receive a wonderful blessing from a beautiful saint. Thank you, Father Sam.
I closed out a wonderful couple of days with some very special and private prayer-time in my room this evening. While I was praying, I was doodling and drawing in my journal; this is something I do to keep distractions from my prayer. I will draw things that help my focus on Christ: crosses, ichthus fish, and other iconic symbols of Christian faith. While I was praying and worshiping…drawing a random scene, I was thanking Jesus for the journey He has shared with me over the years. And then, clear as a bell, I heard a Voice in my soul say; “You ain’t seen nothing yet.” Wow. Praise Him! Amen.
Monastic Notes (Pt.16) July 7th 2011
[03AUGUST2011]
Monastic Notes (Pt.16) —July 7th 2011
(Continuing to share my experiences at the Pecos Monastery: writings from my journal; June 19th – July 17th 2011…)
(Pecos: Day 18—July 7th 2011)
This is a difficult post for me to write because it recalls one of the most difficult days I had during my stay at the monastery. I think we all like to present our best face when in the company of people and my blog is no different in that desire to present “my best self.” This is what makes this post difficult. It is an embarrassing confession of sorts, but I have tried to be faithful over the years to be as authentic and transparent with my writing on the icrucified blog (when it did not impugn the rights or privacy of someone else).
Personal Reflections and Recollections:
Today we had a series of lectures concerning the “Gifts and Fruits of the Holy Spirit.” These talks were troubling for me. My understanding, teaching, and general Holy Spirit Doctrine didn’t fully align with the teaching I received today. After a little research and study, I found the teaching predominately in alignment with the Catechism of the Catholic Church and I am at a Benedictine Monastery, so that should not come as a surprise to me. Nonetheless, I didn’t connect with the teaching presented to me today. I have been disturbed. I think one of the bigger disruptions to my soul is the realization that I shouldn’t feel, or don’t want to feel, the discomfort I experienced today. What to do? What to do?
I’ve spent quite a bit of time praying about this “discomfort” and was reminded of a quote I had copied into my journal before leaving for the School of Spiritual Direction. The quote, from St. Augustine, follows:
“God is not what you imagine or what you think you understand. If you understand, you have failed.”
Hmmm… Interesting reminder for such a time as this, considering the Holy Spirit is one of the Persons of the Triune Godhead. What this means to me is this; my understanding of God is incomplete. My understanding of God is lacking and however I might teach someone about God is most likely flawed in some ways too. This doesn’t mean I don’t try my best to give accurate representation of God, studying Scripture, respecting tradition, and sharing from personal experience, but no matter how accurate I follow those rules my interpretation and presentation of God is still going to be lacking and ultimately flawed. “If I think I fully understand, I have failed in understanding at all…” There was another reminder that came to me during this time of prayer and contrition… As I was agitated by this presentation of Doctrine about the Holy Spirit, I was also reminded of a quote from the book I am currently reading News Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton. He writes; “If you love peace, then hate injustice, hate tyranny, hate greed—but hate those things in yourself, not in another.” Wow. My peace had been disturbed…I was “angry and hating” the one who had disturbed me. Merton calls me to examine these disruptions within me—spiritual pride, arrogance in my own knowledge, presumptuousness, and most likely a host of other deadly sins. This reminder seemed the most helpful of all in overcoming my issues with our lectures today. The lessons about (and from) the Holy Spirit were personal and very enlightening for me in a very real and humbling…and disturbing way today.
God was not finished with my “schooling” today. Following our gathering this evening for Vespers prayers, I was offered another slice of Humble Pie (my second for the day). As we were exiting the chapel, one of the brother monks tapped me on the shoulder to have a word with me. I was pulled to the side of the corridor and the dear brother asked me to “sing” at a lower volume because my voice was over powering the chant of the choir during our praying the Psalms. I felt as though I had been punched in the gut and for a brief moment thought I was going to be sick. I felt a rise of a thousand emotions: anger, defensiveness, offense, embarrassment, aggression, competitiveness, bitterness, and many, many more things stirred within me. I nodded with what must have looked like an ashen-faced, blank-gazed, surrender, but I was in total shock as I walked back to my room instead of proceeding on to the evening meal. By the time I reached my room, I was close to tears; I sat on the edge of my bed and cradled my head in my hands.
I couldn’t understand why this older brother monk was feeling so hostile toward me. For the past two weeks I had thought I was catching on to the rhythm and the melody of our chants during our fixed hours of prayer. I had even had several people tell me, “Jeff, you’re doing great…you sing so well.” Perhaps this was the very problem… Since I was complimented, I would sing and chant as if I were leading…I mean, shouldn’t everyone be inspired by how I praise and pray to God? or is it more accurate to say “praise Jeff.” Ouch. Sitting here on the edge of my bed, feelings crushed, emotionally bruised, and on the verge of deep offense, I remembered several things from my study of Benedicts Rule. One of the predominant aspects of the Rule is teaching on the growth and maturity in the ways of humility. Other aspects of the Rule include obedience to authority and the purging of rebelliousness and stubbornness from our soul. I realized if I were truly living in Benedictine community I would be bound by these vows and would be sworn to live in accordance with the discipline of learning and acquiring these virtues. I would be bound to learning patience, obedience, submission to authority, and humility through living in this community. I tried to will myself and my heart to this “mean old” brother’s wisdom and helpful direction…it wasn’t working so well.
I was at a crossroads. I could choose to remain offended and push through it all and develop a “soul scar” from the cancer of my unrepented attitude or I could repent in full of my attitude and prayerfully ask God for complete cleansing and healing. I chose the latter and spent some time acknowledging my issues, taking responsibility and ownership of my attitude toward everything that had transpired for the entire day. I asked God for healing and forgiveness and then entered into a time of centering prayer. I rested in union with God for about twenty minutes or so and when I completed this time of prayer I felt completely purged of my harsh and hurt feelings. I realized that God had been in the words of this dear brother monk and there was nothing else in them but God. I felt grateful, thankful, and exceedingly blessed for the graces of God through this day. The way God speaks to me and directs me is beyond my comprehension. I know, I will never be the same for the lessons learned today, and this is in a good way that I’ll never be the same.
I thank You, God, I praise You, Lord Jesus, for the promise and reality of Your ever-present Divine Presence in the Person of Your Holy Spirit. Thank You, Almighty God. Amen.
The perfect ending for this day could not have been planned any better. The School convened in the library for a special time of praise, prayer, and worship with the Holy Spirit. I had been asked to lead some worship songs before we invited people to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit—it was a wonderful time and beautiful experience tonight. There was much prayer, praise, and adoration given to God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Many people were prayed for and prayed over as the Spirit led us all…some were filled with the Spirit of God and others were re-filled with the blessings and the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Personally, I felt as though I received double and triple blessings considering the work that God had been active in my life throughout the day. Ending the day with this service and this sweet outpouring of God’s Spirit could not have been any better or more affirming for me as a testimony to God’s love and grace.
Monastic Notes (Pt.15) July 4th thru July 6th 2011
[02AUGUST2011]
Monastic Notes (Pt.15—July 4th thru July 6th 2011)
(Continuing to share my experiences at the Pecos Monastery: writings from my journal; June 19th – July 17th 2011…)
(Pecos: Days 15-17—July 4th – 6th 2011)
Entering into the third week of the School for Spiritual Direction we were treated to a series of lectures and workshops with Kenny Mirman who shared with us his spiritual journey and writing from our LifeScripts. This series of talks was inspirational in a very big way for me. I have been writing and journaling about my spiritual journey for over eight years now. Something during Kenny’s talks helped to “uncork” some thoughts that turned into works of prose that shared in some earlier blog posts. The pieces that were inspired from the LifeScripts lectures follow:
I took no lecture notes during Kenny’s sessions as he provided handouts. The work we did in the workshops is reflected in the links and prose as listed above. Following the LifeScripts Lectures we were given a day off to observe in silence and solitude. Before entering into this time of quiet listening, some of us shared in a ritual ceremony with Kenny to mark the end of our lectures and the beginning of living our “God-dreams.” Kenny had asked us
to write out the dreams that God had inspired in us as we had journeyed inward and sought Divine direction during those days. During the ceremony we read our dreams and planted them in the earth under an apple tree. Our symbolic planting of our dreams would become the nurturing elements of the apple tree as it grows…so will our dreams… as the tree bears fruit, so will the dreams God has planted in each of us…bear fruit for His glory. Amen. I am hopeful to one day return to the monastery and partake of the fruit of this apple tree as I share with the members of the community the fruit that God has bore in my life from the dreams planted during my time at SSD in Pecos.
The paper I planted and the words to my dream follows:
My authentic self wants to live in unbroken communion with the Triune God. My authentic self desires to follow Jesus in the same manner that He lived His life.
My authentic self desires to do the things and say the things I see my heavenly Father do and say. I desire to lay aside myself, so the Spirit of the Living God might live wholly and fully within me.
I desire to realize on this side of eternity to see all the false “selfs” that I have created for me to be put to death… I wish the same for the false “selfs” I have tried to live into that others have created for me… This way, only the Christ-formed-in-me self—the one predestined before the creation of the world will live.
I desire to be a vessel of hope and healing, a person who can be a place of refuge and reconciliation to the most destitute and broken of peoples.
My true self desires to be hospitable, charitable, benevolent…and not thinking about my own needs over the needs of others.
My authentic and true self desires to be broken as Christ was broken in order that my brokenness might also bring life to people who have been
placed in my circles of influence…and then multiplied through those who were touched and changed, propagating fruit of life through many generations.
My authentic self wants to fully realize what it means to be chosen by Christ and live out the command to bear much fruit—fruit that will last…last for the kingdom of God and to His glory, the glory of God our Holy Father, the Holy Son and Savior Jesus, and our Comforter-Guide Holy Spirit. Amen.
It was an inspiring and meaningful ceremony and I will remember it always.
Personal Reflections and Recollections:
I feel as though I might be on the cusp of a turning point. I came to the monastery hoping to discern “next steps” for my life and the ministry for Laurie and I. I sense that some of those steps are becoming clearer. I will slowly press into these next steps as God allows and directs. It will be important for me to keep my ears and heart open to the Voice of God and the voice of others He will speak through as we navigate the coming weeks and months.
I enjoy having the sessions with my spiritual director, Ezra, he has been extremely helpful in my working through what God might be speaking and directing for the next phase of life for my family. I believe that as we put all of our trust and hope in God and concentrate all our efforts on living wholly for Him, the desires and motivations that “bubble up” from our hearts are the desires that He has planted in us to bring glory to Himself and fulfillment in life to us (Ephesians 2:10). Talking openly and honestly with someone about these unctions and urgings helps to discern the direction of God in our lives. I am grateful to have people in my life who I can share this season with.
