iCrucified

I’ve flip-flopped several times about whether to post the latest experiment of my faith journey. I finally decided that I would post a portion of my journal since I have made it a practice of sharing how God continues to shape me as I endeavor to follow Jesus and be transformed into His likeness. This may become an ongoing post revisiting my experiences as I try to understand some of the practices and disciplines of my (our) faith. As you will read in the accompanying excerpt, there are a number of spiritual development practices that I struggle with…most specifically for this particular season of my life, the disciplines I feel God pressing me to examine, understand, and appropriate are: (in no particular order) Sabbath, Fasting, and Prayer (praying without ceasing). I sincerely hope that my confession and journal excerpt is not taken out of context or misunderstood; if there are questions or comments that would be better served with additional explanation and/or conversation, please feel free to comment or send me an email. My journal notes follow:

This has been an interesting journey.

I have struggled much of my Christian journey with understanding certain elements and aspects of my faith. Among these elements are disciplines such as Fasting, Sabbath, and facets of my prayer life. Several months ago, while meditating and reflecting on my most recent year (2008), I sensed Holy Spirit calling me to a fasting experience. Interestingly enough, the call seemed defined as a four week fast. This is significant because I had never fasted for more than three days at any stretch of time. This is also significant because I had never really experienced any real benefit other than satisfaction of knowing that I was participating in a discipline mandated by scripture teaching. So…this was a big deal for me. I suppose there is some more clarification needed for some of my confession. I don’t believe in pretense; and I’m not going to fabricate an experience if it has not been real for me. I think too much of my experience with things of God prior to the year 2000 was measured from a linear perspective. Because of this linear approach, logic and experience produced predefined expectations for every anticipated encounter with God. My experience and expectations were measured, qualified, and quantified by the reports of other people. While this is not entirely wrong, this approach (and understanding) created a filter of bias that (I believe) “painted God in a box.” I fashioned a God created by man. I created a man-fashioned experience with God. The result of this was a constant let-down. Naturally, skepticism and cynicism spoiled the hope of any real encounter with the Living God. Anyway, this is some of the back story.

Fast forward 2001 -2009

I still struggle with certain aspects of my prayer life. I am understanding my prayer life more, but will confess that I don’t have a full grasp of the dynamic of talking with God. I wrestle with how to approach the Sovereign One. What do I say to the One who knows everything? How do I express my heart to the One who knows my heart more than I even understand? It is intimidating to me… to say the least. I fail to understand the need for people to repeat themselves incessantly with supplication before God. This isn’t a criticism, but an observation. Anyway, these are some of the points I continue to work through in my communications with the Living, Sovereign, Omniscient, Omnipresent, and Eternal God. I talk to God…I worship Him…I hear Him…I pray with intercession and supplication, but I don’t fully comprehend every aspect of the process. I want to know more. I want to experience more and better communication with the Triune God. I won’t be satisfied or think I “get it” until I KNOW HIM as He is…that is when He returns or calls me to Himself for eternity.

Sabbath, Solitude, and Silence are other areas that I have struggled with. Understanding these elements of worship and time alone with God are the greatest struggle…the understanding is the piece is so difficult and I think (often) that we put up a façade of understanding rather than wrestle with the truth of admitting complete and absolute worship of God is difficult to grasp. Oh, I’ve participated in these disciplines, but again…wrestling with a linear understanding has crippled my approach and experience with these needful practices. I’m getting better, but the journey is as complicated as it is long. Let me clarify my point…it’s not a lack of practice (and this goes for prayer too) it is missing what God intends for my learning and maturity as His disciple. Participation is not my goal. “Becoming” in knowledge, maturity, and being is the only satisfactory outcome for these disciplines. Honestly, I don’t have this at this juncture of my journey. Subsequently, I will not be satisfied until God achieves His desire in my life… “all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, all my strength, all…

So, this brings me to “the Fast.” I sensed the call for an extended fast and committed myself to it setting a date (this happened around early November of 2008). A week before Thanksgiving, seemingly out of the blue, I recognized The Voice in my head/heart directing me to a week-long fast. I acted on the call and fasted for a week…I suppose this was a trial. I don’t know if it was an exercise in my obedience or if it was something more…or both. Maybe I should share some more information… I have a pretty strong resolve; single day fasts seem easy to me. Honestly, three day fasts have only caused me minor consternation. I have had trouble understanding the purpose of fasting. I have confused fasting with asceticism, self-denial, and “magic.” As a consequence of my misunderstanding, my fasting efforts have always been misplaced and misguided. I’ve tried to fast without pretense, but I didn’t know what I was doing or why I was doing it. Something did not set right with me about what I had been taught regarding fasting (eg. It supercharges prayer, if you really need an answer to prayer…fast, unlocking the secrets of a powerful spirit-charged life, and other motives that do not align with scriptural instruction). This is the place that my most recent experience was birthed out of. I determined to obey the leading of Holy Spirit and enter this extended period of fasting. I also determined that I would look to this time of fasting as an opportunity to cleanse my physical body and my mental state while allowing God to do whatever work He desired in my spiritual development. I entered the fast with no expectations other than to see it through to its completion; my goal was obedience. (I should also add a disclaimer; I consulted medical journals and instruction concerning extended fasting. This research should be considered for anyone that might be contemplating an extended fast. I should also say that this type of undertaking should not be considered without the leading of God or the close care of a physician; there are serious health, emotional, and spiritual ramifications that you should be aware of).

I have kept a journal of the day-to-day experience. The highlight of the fast has been the lack of highlight. I see this as an affirmation of what I believe God desired to teach me in answer to my questions about fasting. My understanding of fasting is that it is about the moment by moment sustaining presence and relationship with the Eternal Omnipresent Triune God. He is always here with me. I experienced this quiet, level, always-present awareness of my God with me throughout this fast. I did not experience superpowers. I did not experience mystical visions. I did not experience any extraordinary manifestations. I did experience supernatural sustenance. I had psychological battles with desire, but no physical battles. I did experience a peace that I cannot remember ever experiencing; at least in such an unbroken period of time. I did experience a supernatural confidence in my decisions and ability to “listen” to people (counseling ministry). My health did not seem to suffer in any measure or degree. I was able to maintain my exercise efforts without fatigue or interruption. I’m still sorting through what God has taught me through this process and experience…and I’m sure more will be understood in time.

I don’t recommend this practice for anyone…unless God calls you into it. Over the course of 30 days, I lost 32lbs. I put almost 10lbs back on in a week (still don’t understand that), but it cannot be healthy to lose weight like that unless God is maintaining balance in other ways…that’s all I can say on that.

I know that fasting is supposed to be a part of my lifestyle. I also understand where it is supposed to be ordered in my schedule and my life rhythms too. I will incorporate this discipline regularly. I also know why I am doing it and what will be the result (at least the expected results). I also know that God may, on occasion, do something entirely unexpected…but that is for Him to decide…on His terms and in His time.

Overall, this has been a great experience. I am hopeful that God will lead me on other adventures to help me understand some of the other aspects of my faith that I wrestle with. The journey continues to astound and sometimes…confound, but that is alright. God leads, I follow, and that’s that. Amen.

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