iCrucified

[11MAY2012] Confession | Square Peg vs Round Hole

I have confessed from time to time on this blog that I go through seasons of being “disturbed.” I get this sense of soul indigestion or something; it’s somewhat difficult to describe or explain. I’ve been in one of these seasons for a couple of weeks now…still somewhat in it, since I’m trying to be transparent about it. I don’t think it is a “bad” thing and it is certainly nothing that erodes or even gnaws at my faith, but I much prefer the placid waters, gentle breezes, and blue sky faith over the choppy sea, misty gale force winds, and stormy-thunder sky faith. The tranquil faith is the kind I can do in my sleep with both hands tied behind my back, while the other entails that I work tenaciously and sometimes round the clock to answer the questions in my heart, chokehold the doubts, and rebuke the fear that would shipwreck my joy.

I think one of the most important lessons about these seasons is to recognize them for what they are; they are messengers of the soul. I’ve often referred to them as “dashboard lights.” Regardless of what the seasons are called, I do not believe they can be ignored, at least not without serious repercussion. David Benner writes about this occurrence in his book Spirituality and the Awakening Self; he writes the following insightful words:

In addition to whatever other functions psychological symptoms may serve, they do bring us information about the state of our inner self. That nagging depression or low-level anxiety, or the case with which we lose our temper or are tempted to despair—these are all messengers from our depths that have been sent into consciousness to tell each of us that all is not well in our soul. However, if we ignore or silence the messenger, or refuse to open the letter they bring and attend to the issue they are point us toward, we are doomed to allow the inner problem to worsen and simply postpone the crisis that is eventually awaiting each of us.

The past couple weeks I’ve spent “opening the letter” and “attending the issues,” at least I have been trying. It takes time and discernment to figure some things out, especially when the message isn’t so obvious. In the end, after all the extraneous indicators have been distilled to their lowest common denominators, the message resolves to learning to trust God, growing in patience as we wait with Him, and acting with faithful obedience to the things we know He desires of us. As simple as all this sounds, our spiritual journeys and the tests that we encounter along the way can become incredibly complex at times…and if that is not enough, the complex situations are sometimes divinely shrouded in discernment evading stealth technology. In other words, God does not make it easy on us to figure out the soul disturbances and/or what we are to do about them, so we wrestle.

What I’ve realized once again is that God has a unique calling on my life, of this I am sure. I continue to find myself the square peg and all my furniture is made with round holes. I keep wanting to rush out and get new furniture, but the Holy Spirit continues to stay my hand. I ask myself and the Spirit, if my edges should be shaved that I might be more comfortably fit to the round holes… to which I sense the Spirit saying “Trust Me. Wait with Me.” So, I’ll stay square… and it ain’t easy when you’re surrounded by round holes, but it is the season I’m in and I’ll trust the God who remains always with me.

I was comforted as I was talking with Jesus today and He replied to me through His Word from Ephesians to remember that I am united with Christ. I am holy and without fault in Christ. I am adopted into the family of God and my sins are forgiven. I am “showered” with wisdom and understanding from God. His (God’s) plans for me will not be thwarted because I am identified as His very own. He also gives to me the Holy Spirit. Nothing can change or take this away because He (Jesus) is far above any ruler or authority or power or leader or anything else—not only in this world but also in the world to come (Ephesians 1:1-14, 21). And so, square peg is comforted…still a little stormy on the inside, but I’m not dictated by feelings; I am just made aware by them.