iCrucified

During the time I am away, I will reposting older entries from the icrucified blog. The following post was an entry from May 29, 2009

Divine Tension…a holy thing it is.

It seems to me that the more I study the Bible, the more I read and study saints of old, the more I invest in theology, the more I pray, the more I practice and learn of the spiritual disciplines, and the more I seek knowledge of and intimacy with God… the more I experience a divine tension. Now, this should not be interpreted as confusion or disillusion. The tension I experience is not a bad thing; at least I don’t think that it is. It seems to me that the closer I draw to God, the more I think I know Him…the more I realize how complex and incomprehensible He is. My words do not describe my thoughts very well, but I don’t know how to describe them any better, so that will have to suffice for now.

Over the past forty plus years I’ve gotten to know myself pretty well. I’m a life-long learner and love to experience and figure out new things. I have no doubt this personality trait carries over into my spirituality. It seems there is an ongoing lesson given through Holy Spirit that continues to disrupt my tendency to put the things of God and faith to formula. I rather like the A + B = C scenarios and like it even more when I can say with certainty that more complex issues can be solved in similar fashion; such as, X(c + d) – y = Z. When I’m able to do this with the things of God it gives me a sense of confidence, certainty, and (sadly unfortunate) pride. This is why I’m pretty sure that God continues to disrupt my formulas. This is why, as I draw closer and seek more intimate knowledge of my heavenly Father, He shows me how unpredictable and unformulaic (I know…it’s not a word, but you know what I mean) He truly is. He says to my soul, “Do not put me into confined proportions!”

The LORD says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you, don’t be like a senseless horse or mule that need a bit and a bridle to keep it under control.” (Psalm 32:8-9)

I keep coming back to the same crossroads…

I don’t think I keep arriving here out of disobedience, rebellion, or insolence. I think it remains a loving reminder from my Savior King; “Don’t get comfortable; don’t relax into a place of complacency and familiarity.” The LORD doesn’t want me to rely upon myself. I need to start out the mission of every day seeking a fresh infilling of His Holy Spirit. He is the only source of Truth and the only reliable Guide who can lead me to success for the divine assignment I have been tasked with on any given day. He is the only source of holy illumination that can radiate the presence and power of Christ in me to the world of my influence. I cannot rely on what was yesterday and it is my awareness of this truth that fuels the place of divine tension in my life.

I cry out to the LORD; I plead for the LORD’s mercy. I pour out my complaints before Him and tell Him all my troubles. When I am overwhelmed, You alone know the way I should turn. Then I pray to you, O LORD. I say, “You are my place of refuge. You are all I really want in life.” (Psalm 42:1-3, 5)

Truly it is only in the place of holy awareness and need that we can be continuously confident. I am beginning to understand (with these continuing reminders from God) that I need Him ceaselessly speaking words of direction to my soul. This realization gives me fresh understanding of Paul’s exhortation to “pray without ceasing.” It is my deepest desire to be the instrument and faithful servant of Jesus in all that I do and with every moment of my remaining life on this earth. Understanding my frailty and my weaknesses also fuels the divine tension. Thank You, O God, that in my weakness You are strong. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. I mourn; I long for guidance and direction that I might follow and bring glory to my King.

My heart is confident in You, O God; my heart is confident. No wonder I can sing your praises! Wake up my heart! Wake up, O lyre and harp! I will wake the dawn with my song. Be exalted, O God, above the highest heavens. May Your glory shine over all the earth. (Psalm 57:7-8, 11)

Prayer for the day:

O Holy Spirit of God, very God, who descended on Christ at the river Jordan and on the apostle’s in the upper chamber, we have sinned against heaven and before you; purify us again, we ask you, with Your divine fire, and have mercy on us. Grant, we ask you, Almighty God, that the splendor of Your brightness may shine on us and the light of Your LIGHT confirm with the illumination of the Holy Spirit the hearts of those who have been born again through Your grace: for the sake of Jesus Christ our Lord. [Amen] (Excerpted from Nerses of Clajes and the Gregorian Sacramentary)